Thursday, February 7, 2008

Captial Sill(ary)!

Sprinkles on the horizon with the arrival of Someone Great from the past. Thank goodies, because the cable drama-rama in my apartment is not letting up and this person is handy. Blarrggg. TV and internet are now gone with the wind....

Diagnosis: The server is down. Prognosis: Annoying.

Speaking of annoying, work is ridiculous. And my drinking problem is worse than ever. Dehydrats! Not a single drip or drop of non-carbonated, non-artifically sweetened water yesterday. This could be Rocky Bottoms.

Good news is Allison The Intern is back, and Dee The New Girl is a twinkly super star.

The new-old (nold?) friend has one of those nebulous Washington "Hill"* jobs I’ll never understand. Last night his boss blackberries at eleven about a metaphor -- the perfect metaphor for talking about harming a continent. Let me explain. Boss needs some alternative opening lines for a speech or op-ed, some new ways to say “So look, I’m gonna do this terrible thing to you, AFRICANS, but I’m gonna tell you it’s awesome.”

I'm given this example: “(The Bad Thing Being Done To Africans is kind of like) Elbowing them in the ribs and calling it a massage.” Hmm. So I come up with a few awesomely unhelpful suggestions of my own including...

(The Bad Thing Being Done To Africans is kind of like)

“Throwing acid in their face and calling it a makeover!”
“Shitting on their muffin and calling it a cupcake!”
“Sawing their dick off and calling it a hand job!"

Super fun game.

*When I was nine, I overheard mom tell someone she “works on The Hill,” which I took to mean everyday she literally climbed an unimpressive grassy hill, not unlike the one behind Juan Nunez’s house,** and sat there all day with the other working mothers. Over the years this image has morphed into a caricature-istic purple and red shoulder-padded army of moms, meticulously clad in the standard issue tan pantyhose/nurse-white sneaker/pathetic thermal lunch sac uniform of the day. Working girrrrrl power!!

**The perfect hill for snow-day sledding


P H said...

"Popping their soccer ball and calling it a burrito!"

"Killing their daughter and calling it a tax break!"

"Sealing off their reproductive organs and calling it rape prevention!"

"Burning down their apartment buildings and calling it a reconstruction of their zoning laws which will ultimately lead to a more diverse urban infrastructure!"

"Stabbing them in the face and telling them that face-stabbing does wonders for the complexion!"

I could do this all day.

inthemiddle said...

mccain who??
clinton what??


inthemiddle said...

i also like "pooping in their cereal bowl and calling it rice crispies!"